There’s something I’ve seen recently that I want to bring up because it’s a super common sticking point that has recently regained popularity. It’s this whole “chode” thing. I remember how damaging it was back in the day to a lot of guys, only back then we called it something else. This ‘new’ version isn’t any different. I guess it really shows you how cyclical things are in pickup.
Back in 2004-2005 (when I had to walk to school in the freezing snow… uphill… both ways…), we came across a strange phenomenon in the community. Guys who were coming from so-called “AFC” backgrounds were becoming obsessed with proving that they were no longer human doormats. They had grown so tired of the feeling of powerlessness that they had made it their personal quest to become exactly the opposite. Now when a woman asked them to buy them a drink at the bar, these men were armed with an arsenal of witty comeback lines. When a women tried to shit test them or control frame, they were prepared with re-frames. And when an old lady fell down the stairs, they walked right by her, showing how “unreactive” they could be. You know, to show her how “alpha” they were.
Wait… What?
It’s embarrassing in hindsight. We were trying so hard to be “Anti-AFC” and were so adamant about our quest to “kill the AFC inside of us,” that we began to kill off any compassion, human decency, or perhaps most importantly, genuine love for women.
Guys who fell in love with a woman they had met refused to consider a relationship with them because, well, “that was AFC.”
Guys who cared a lot about women pretended to be assholes because, “they didn’t want to be AFC.”
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And guys who were otherwise decent, compassionate people were suddenly on a strange jerk-kool-aid-binge to see who could be the biggest douchebag in the shortest amount of time.
We didn’t realize that the course we were taking was bringing us to the opposite side of the spectrum. And the opposite is just as unhealthy.
I remember a few times when I was hanging out with a good friend of mine and his sister needed help with something. The “normal” me would have helped her because that’s just my personality. I like helping people. That’s precisely why I have this job. But at the time, the new-and-improved “alpha” version of me said that helping her would be ‘supplicating’ and therefore I shouldn’t do it.
So I didn’t.
And later, when we were at the bar with friends and she got sick and decided to go home, no one (me included) walked her home because we were all trying to be ‘alpha’ and not show that we were decent human beings.
Fortunately, about 10 minutes after she left, I came to my senses and realized how stupid this was. I ran after her to make sure she got home ok.
I found her passed out on the ground outside.
That was my wakeup call.
It was someone slapping me in the face with my own (perhaps lack of) humanity and absurdity. I wanted to become this ‘alpha pickup artist’ so badly that I was abandoning the things I believed in—the things that made me “me.”
Don’t worry, I’m not going to go off on a rant about being yourself. I’m obviously not against growth, personal change, or even personality improvement/overhauls. But this same ‘anti-AFC’ sentiment that I went through years ago is now rearing its ugly head again under the guise of the ‘anti-chode’ movement.
Make no mistake about it: Today’s “chode” is nothing more than yesterday’s “AFC.”
Don’t get sucked into the anti-chode hype. I’m seeing the exact same thing on forums and message boards all over the internet now.
“She said ‘I love you’ but I would never say it back to her because I’m not some supplicating chode.”
Start by removing the word “Chode” from your vocabulary. It serves no purpose other than to make you feel superior by painting others with a condescending, lesser-value label. In essence, it makes you collectively feel better about yourself by looking down on others.
And that, obviously, is not the way to go about building healthy beliefs and inner game.
We should be in this whole thing to better ourselves, and part of that means not being judgmental. It’s easy for us to look at ‘supplicative’ behavior with disdain. But it wasn’t that long ago that most of us were in that boat. Judging and looking down on others might make us feel better temporarily, but it is nothing more than a mental version of the bully who puts everyone else down so that he can feel better about himself. And as Cam Teone is now famous for quoting (via Rocky), “You’re better than that.”.
Posted on January 18, 2010