“Sure that’s sad and all,” you might say, “but what does that have to do with me?”

The thing is, Sodini had more in common with a lot of us than we’d like to believe. Most psychologists are saying he wasn’t a deranged serial killer who lacked any moral compass. Nor was he a psychotic lunatic that spent his days sniffing glue and eating paint.

No, George Sodini was simply an AFC. An Average, Frustrated, Chump. A very lonely, depressed, AFC. Note: For those of you who aren’t regular readers here, “AFC” is simply the term we use in the dating coaching community to describe a frustrated individual who is tired of being single. It is not meant to be disparaging.

Maybe Sodini was older and more lonely and more psychotic than most of us, but I suspect not. I suspect that he simply lacked one thing. The one thing that this community gave me when I found it.

Hope.

Hope, and the idea that society was wholly incorrect and that I did not in fact have to just accept that I would always remain at the bottom of the social pecking order.

I’m no psychologist, but I’ll bet that Sodini was less of a psycho and more a man who had simply given up because it seemed hopeless. Most of us can certainly relate to that feeling. He recounts his feelings and plans on his blog (I have a cached copy if that link to abcnews gets taken down), and I can’t help but think that all of this sounds very familiar. A computer programmer who doesn’t believe in himself and lacks the social skills to meet and attract women. That hits a bit too close to home. It’s disturbing because I’d like to believe that someone who could cause this much destruction is a monster who has nothing in common with me.

December 24, 2008:

“Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.”

That doesn’t sound like the rantings of a psychotic lunatic hell-bent on revenge. Rather, it sounds more like the field reports and journals that get posted to our forums every day.

I remember feeling those pangs of unrequited love and crying my eyes out at the thought that there was nothing I could do about it. I remember being lonely. I remembering being depressed. I remember it like it was yesterday.

And perhaps if any one of us had not found the support of the community to help us through this part of our lives, maybe we would have turned out just like Sodini.

Don’t get me wrong. What he did was a horrific, awful act that all of us — me especially — wish we could have prevented. But the thing is, I think this was preventable, and not by shooting him before he shot those people, either. I think this was avoidable because I’ve had guys just like Sodini in my workshops and seminars. Because I’ve had guys who have told me through tears that they were on the verge of suicide — actually standing on a bridge about to jump off — and that were it not for the community, they would have done it.

And we’ve all been at Lair Meetings where there are 100 guys that are all feeling these same things. Hell, I might have been another Sodini had I not found the community. So instead of judging this man and disassociating ourselves from his plight, let us instead seek to understand and make sure that this never happens again.

“Result is I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discouragement. Seems odd, but that’s true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. Too embarrassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.” –George Sodini

As individuals, we see guys like Sodini all the time. He could be your friend. Your brother. Your co-worker. Your son. Your “wingman.” But oftentimes we see the warning signs and we ignore them. Or we dismiss it as “angst,” or “he just needs to relax and be himself.” Even those of us who are actively seeking to improve our dating and relationship lives sometimes see the Sodini’s of the world and think, “not my problem.” I’ve been plenty guilty of that myself, and I’m a coach. But as the famous saying goes (arguably credited to English philosopher Edmund Burke), “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

So the next time you come across someone like Sodini, resist the temptation to look down upon him. And if you’re realizing this feeling of despair and hopelessness describes you, do not be afraid to seek help. Society will have you believe that this makes you a kook, a nutjob, and potentially a criminal. But I can tell you for a fact that all of us have felt that at some time or another. There is no shame in asking for help or in being proactive about improving your dating or relationship life. On the contrary, bottling all of that up only causes it to fester into hate or rage, and we’ve just seen the long term effects of that.

This is why I take my job very seriously. Some people may mock that belief, saying that it’s not that serious– that we’re just teaching guys how to get laid. But I vehemently disagree. I believe that as coaches, gurus, and instructors, we are not merely dating coaches. We are LIFE coaches. We are people who not only need to be able to holistically change and improve a person’s life, but we also need to lead by example.

And so in addition to this being a call to action for individuals and for society as a whole, it is also a call to action for fellow coaches and instructors. It is a call to action to genuinely CARE about your students and to really understand just how much we can change and influence someone’s life. In my opinion, that is not a task to be taken lightly.

Finally, for those of you who are struggling with this self-improvement process and possibly becoming discouraged, keep your head up and don’t ever give up. Because the rewards are worth it. They’re worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears you put into this. Just remember that ultimately, it’s up to you. You and you alone are responsible for your life and your destiny. Dream big and go after it. Don’t wait around for luck or chance or for the shining white knight. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Shallow men believe in luck; wise and strong men believe in cause and effect!”

I’m sitting on a bumpy train watching the sun disappear into the horizon, having just finished training with a client. Working with him made me realize that success truly is “reserved for those willing to pay its price.” (So says Sun Tzu). I get a lot of clients who are trying to stack a few routines on top of a bland, humorless personality, a generic lifestyle, and little to no experience or confidence with the opposite sex. Worse yet, they are trying to do this on a part time basis, sometimes opening only a few sets per week. This is not the formula for achieving success in your social and romantic life. In fact, it’s not the formula for achieving success in ANY part of your life.

It’s interesting that most of us get into this with dreams of grandeur and delusions of infallible gurus who never get blown out. I know I did. I didn’t join the community to improve my conversational skills, or to realize self actualization, or even to become a more attractive man. I joined for a much simpler reason:

To Not Be Lonely.

Being lonely sucks because most of the time it’s a pain that you keep a secret. It’s embarrassing and you can’t talk about it. I couldn’t tell my family and friends that I was lonely. Well, I suppose I could, but it would have humiliated me. I couldn’t even really tell MYSELF that I was lonely because I didn’t want to face the facts that I was. So I ignored the problem, hoping it’d go away. But every Friday or Saturday night, when all my friends were out on dates or hanging out with girlfriends or wives, I was home trying to distract myself from this miserable reality I lived in. Trying to convince myself that I didn’t need women in my life, that I was just going to “focus on my career.”

Right.

So despite the fact that my life is very, very different today, I haven’t forgotten what that felt like. That’s what kept me going when I encountered resistance, plateaus, or roadblocks along the way in my journey. Every time I felt that gripping fear which feels like a vice has been placed on your chest, I thought back to what loneliness felt like. And I never wanted to feel that feeling again.

Somewhere along the way, nearly everyone who’s gotten good at this realizes that even though we may have begun this journey in order to not be lonely, or to get more girls, or to lose our virginity, or whatever the specific reason, what actually brings us success is becoming attractive through self improvement.

In order to GET attraction from women, you must BE attractive. Ahh, the illusive obvious.

But what does that really mean? What does ‘be attractive’ mean?

It means that you must possess the qualities, traits, beliefs, and characteristics that people (and especially women) find attractive. It does NOT mean learning to “trick” women into thinking you are attractive when it’s really all an illusion. Even if you manage to make that work, you won’t keep women around once they realize who you really are.

Thus, we want to become more attractive through self improvement. Self improvement is more than just watching Tony Robbins and reading The Power of Now. It’s improving all aspects of yourself. It’s being well rounded. It’s being attractive. At first we do this to attract women. But midway through the process, we start to realize that we are actually doing this for OURSELVES. We are becoming better men, and attraction from women is merely a bonus to that.

An esteemed colleague and former mentor of mine once taught me that being well rounded in terms of attraction comes down to three core elements: Tactical Game, Inner Game, and Lifestyle.

Tactical game is knowing what to do, what to say, and how, when, and where to say or do it.

Inner game is your internal beliefs, your inner dialogue, your confidence, your sense of self esteem.

Lifestyle is how you live your life, what you do with your time, the company that you keep, the dreams and goals you have, and the interests and hobbies you pursue.

Together, these elements make up the attraction trifecta. Put together correctly, it also makes you well-rounded.

Being well rounded is important because it inherently limits your weaknesses and synergistically enhances your strengths. Just like in MMA, the “one trick pony” individual will always lose to the well-rounded fighter.

But what does that mean??

It means that an extremely important and overlooked part of this journey is continually working on YOURSELF. Constantly pushing your comfort zones. Always looking for new challenges. Setting new goals all the time.

It means that you do more than go to nightclubs every weekend and read pick up forums at work. As Mystery always says, “this is about building a life.” It is about surrounding yourself with good, positive people who are also working on themselves. It is about trying new things and expanding your horizons. It is about facing your fears and learning new skils. It is about making connections with people and forming both sexual and non-sexual relationships. And it is about becoming a better person.

Carpe Diem (Seize the day).