The event hosts also presented me with the “best fundamentals” award which was pretty cool, despite it looking like a Mystery-VH1-Medallion. All in all, a great event.

This coming week is the second (and ironically, original) Superconference, the 2010 Dating Conference. Not sure why organizers would pick a domain name that has to be changed every year, but perhaps there’s a method to the madness. In either case, the lineup looks very strong, with speakers including Adam Lyons (who hopefully doesn’t make me look bad as he speaks after me ), BradP, Vin diCarlo, Christian Hudson and Nick Sparks, Entropy, Magic, and others.

If you missed last week’s conference, or if you just want to double up on the massive amount of value being presented at these events, sign up today. Use Code “djfuji2010″ for an additional $15 discount and a free 30-minute LIVE coaching session at the actual event!

I’ll also be offering infield training after the event on Friday and Saturday nights. Price is normally $600/night but event organizers have asked me to discount that so you’ll be able to go infield for nearly a 20% discount! There will only be 3 spots available per night on a first-come, first-serve basis, so make sure you don’t procrastinate on this. Email me to sign up today!

Quick reminder for those of you not on my email list that I’ll be speaking back-to-back at two giant New York City conferences next month. I’ll be speaking alongside some of the biggest names in the industry (Ross Jeffries, BradP, Love Systems, etc.) over three days each weekend and may offer discounted infield training while I’m in the city. If you live on the East Coast, you don’t want to miss this.

NYC Global Pickup Conference

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The first is New York City’s Global Pickup Conference. Run by the head of probably the biggest lair in NYC, this star-studded event looks pretty badass. Speakers include David Wygant, Vin DiCarlo, Ross Jeffries, El Topo, BradP, and of course your favorite mohawked Asian. The most interesting thing about this event is that it comes with 1 day of infield training included (which I’ll be participating in teaching) and a TON of free goodies. It’s really the first time I’ve ever seen a superconference-type event offer that. Infield training is the gold standard in the development process so this is definitely something you want to take advantage of. It’s a first-year event but I would be highly surprised if this didn’t take off for many years to come. Dates are May 28 – May 31.

Prices are super low for what they’re offering but they’re going up as we get closer to the event, so don’t hold off on this. I’ve arranged with the organizer to get you guys a special deal when you sign up. You’ll get a $15 discount off the already dirt-cheap price and a free 30-minute 1-on-1 video coaching session with me.

Dating Conference 2010

Oddly enough, I’ll ALSO be speaking at another NYC event, and it’s a week later, on June 4-6. Also a first year event, The Dating Conference 2010 also features some big, big names, many of which will speak at both events. But instead of Ross Jeffries, you have Adam Lyons. Instead of Dr. Paul, you have Magic (Side note: If you’re an indian guy reading this and thinking that Indian guys can’t get good at this, you need to meet Magic). There will also be an open bar, lots of goodies and freebies, and perhaps best of all, access to ALL of the video and audio recordings from the event. That means that if you miss a speaker or want to hear his speech again, you will be able to watch it again online and take notes. That’s a HUGE plus, as there’s only so much you can gain from a speech when you only watch it once. There won’t be included infield training, but I will be doing heavily-discounted coaching that weekend that you can take advantage of. The upside to that is that the student-instructor ratios will be lower and thus, you will receive much more individual attention.

Prices for this event are a bit higher but I have also arranged for some cool deals and discounts for you guys. Sign up now using code “djfuji2010″ and get $15 off the ticket price. Then email me and I’ll throw in a free 30-minute 1-on-1 *LIVE coaching session at the actual event! Sign up here

Routines, scripts, lines, things to say. Some love ‘em, some hate ‘em, nearly everyone misunderstands them.

For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a routine is simply a memorized script of varying length. So in essence, both our kneejerk “fine” response to “how are you?” and a memorized, pre-scripted story are routines. One is simply longer and more complex than the other. Obviously, all of us use routines in one way or another.

Routines (whether yours or someone else’s) can also take the form of being canned, meaning that you’ve practiced them over and over again until you can deliver them well, or Stock, which means they’re generic, off-the-shelf scripts, usually created by others. Both can be very useful tools, especially if you don’t have a lot of natural talent.

Now before we move on, let’s take a quick quiz.

Question: What do you think is the main purpose for routines? What is the main purpose for openers? Now what is the main purpose for attraction routines? Stories?

Think about it for a minute.

…

Ready for the answer? If you said “to open,” “to get attraction,” or “to DHV,” you’re in agreement with most of the community. Unfortunately, you’re still incorrect. That’s short term thinking, and it’s an extremely common mistake.

The correct answer to all of these questions is the same: To teach you a skill.

That’s it.

Not to hook sets, or to open a set, or to get attraction, or to get you laid.

A routine is simply a training wheel to teach you a specific skill—in the same way that training wheels on a bike are designed to teach you to RIDE. In the same way that “floaties” are designed to teach you to become comfortable in the water and to swim. Like training wheels, routines are NOT primarily designed to keep you upright or afloat. The word for that is crutch.

I didn’t understand this concept for a long time. No one ever explained it to me. I was a hard-core Mystery Method guy in the 2005-2006 timeframe and I thought canned routines were the best thing since sliced bread. I thought routines were there to get you laid. Even Mystery still used routines. They had to be the holy grail of pickup, right?

The problem was that I was trying to use the WHAT without understanding the WHY. I was trying to use them for short term gain instead of their more useful long term development.

Routines are MOST useful when used for skill development. Stories, for example, are not primarily designed to create comfort, or attraction, or even to get a result in a set. They are designed to teach you storytelling. Any result you get from their use is secondary. Likewise, banter is designed to teach you humor and playfulness. Push-pull is designed to teach you to be a challenge and to not be predictable and boring. Openers are designed to teach you to engage people and hold court in groups. Oftentimes these routines can get us better results infield, but sometimes they do not. Sometimes they can intentionally blow us out (like the infamous “Shocker” routines from BradP).

And that’s ok.

Because we aren’t using them directly to get better results. We’re using them to teach us the skills that will make us more attractive, and ultimately, more successful.

The main problem a lot of guys have using routines is that they use them for the wrong reasons. Don’t use routines as crutches so you don’t have to learn to think on your feet. Use them as training wheels to teach you the fundamentals.

And conversely, if you’re not naturally talented socially, don’t shy away from routines because you think they’re inauthentic or disingenuous. They’re no more inauthentic than when you tell a story that you’ve told before, or when someone says hello and you response with, “hi.” Not using routines when you lack natural talent is like not practicing free throws when you lack natural basketball ability – namely, stupid. Even Shaq finally started practicing free throws.

Stand up comedians, politicians, public speakers, and basically anyone on a stage learn to speak using routines (unless you’re a former president who just tries to improvise). Only they call them speeches. Sometimes they write their own speeches, and other times they have someone else write them. But the end result is the same – they learn to speak by practicing their speeches. If you want to become good at pick up, you must do the same.

Eventually, you’ll lose the need to use routines. If you’ve been using routines correctly for more than a year and they’re starting to get you diminishing returns, you’re probably at that point. You probably need to start dropping them and teaching yourself how to improvise. That doesn’t mean you’ll always improvise everything 100%, but you want to progress to where you no longer need routines. You’ll no longer have to rely on them. You’ll be able to tell stories on the fly. You’ll be able to banter because you understand the concepts and underlying mechanisms. You’ll be able to open with whatever’s on your mind.

You will become a natural.

And that, gents, is really the goal of all of this. Unconscious competence. To internalize your skill set so much that you no longer think about it. To have such social mastery that at times, you take your own skills for granted because they are executed so effortlessly. That’s what you should be working towards.

Don’t gaze at the trees so long that you lose sight of the forest.

Coming soon: Part 2 in “The Truth About Routines” — Getting Started

NYC Subway - 3/13/2010. Taken with Panasonic DMC-ZS3 (handheld).

Currently on a 1-on-1 here in NYC but wanted to give you guys a quick update on happenings around here.

I’ll be doing a free seminar/workshop tomorrow (3/14/2010) at 4:30PM in NYC. I guess it’s not technically free because they’re asking for a $14 donation to help cover the costs of the seminar room, but I’m speaking entirely pro-bono (no charge). I’ll also be giving away over $1000 worth of free stuff! If you’re in the NYC area, you won’t want to miss it.

I’ll be covering things like:

• The simple technique you can learn in 10 minutes that will eliminate 90% of flakey phone numbers
• The keys to transitioning your interactions OUT of platonic-friend-zones
• Why the vast majority of guys fail in pickup… and what you can do to avoid being a statistic
• A complete breakdown of kinesthetic communication – how to touch, where to touch, when to touch, and why it’s 10x more important than you think it is
• The 5 mistakes you’re making right now that are preventing you from getting laid
• Tons and TONS more content… you aren’t going to want to miss this. It’s not a ‘lair talk,’ it’s a full-on, 4-hour workshop

More info and signup is on the NYC Lair website. Click here for more details.

I’ll also be posting dates and info on my Spring 2010 boot camp schedule (including two major NYC SuperConferences, 21 Convention Info, and Intensive Immersion Course info) in the next few days so watch for that.

Hey guys, quick update…

A Hollywood producer is working with me on a documentary about the seduction community and is looking for new students who are willing to be filmed on camera. In addition to what could be overnight celebrity status, you’ll also receive thousands of dollars worth of discounted and free training. You’ll have to be located in the greater LA area but this is a fantastic opportunity for anyone who’s been wanting to get good at this but just doesn’t have access to the cash to pay for top-notch training.

Note that you do NOT have to have any experience with pickup. In fact, the producer is actually looking for newer guys to be a part of this.

I know what some of you guys are thinking. “I’d love to do this but oh crap I don’t want to be potentially seen on nationwide movie screens as some newbie who can’t get laid.”

I know you’re thinking this because I thought the exact same thing when I was about to do the Dr. Phil show several years ago. I almost didn’t do it. But I decided to take the shot because I had recently adopted a new life philosophy, and that was that if I was ever on the fence about a particular situation, I’d always err on the side of action.

It was something I had learned from a Carlos Xuma interview a long time ago, and I still live it to this day. It was the philosophy that propelled a 30-day solo North and South American tour even while knowing that I didn’t speak a lick of Spanish. It was the philosophy that got me to break off from the old company and start my own company. And it’s the philosophy that I live every day of my life because it enables me to live knowing that I’m minimizing the one emotion I never want to feel:

…Regret.

I never want to feel that “shoulda woulda coulda” feeling again. I’d rather try and fail than never to have tried at all.

In the end, my Dr. Phil show aired to a nationwide audience, showing not only me, but my wing Kamouflage as well. It showed us as newbies, perhaps the worst thing imaginable considering we were both coaching at the time. And that’s in addition to any family or personal life fiascoes that could have happened.

But guess what?

That episode came and went and nobody cared. In fact, Kamo’s friends (who were not aware of his community involvement) called him from the gym, excited that one of their buddies was famous! All of our fears and anxieties and insecurities about being shown negatively (and if you saw the episode, you know just how negative it was) were figments of our imagination. In the real world, they never happened.

So imagine the kind of regret I’d feel if I never did it because I was afraid. I can live with a little embarrassment, or shame, or even humiliation (even though it never came). But I cannot live with regret. Especially regret due to fear.

Carpe Diem, gents. Seize the day.

3/22/2010 Update: Spots have been filled for the documentary. Thanks to everyone who auditioned.

In case you didn’t recognize the charmingly handsome fellow in the video, that’s me. What you’re watching is a ‘teaser’ trailer to the documentary that’s being produced by Dream, the organizer of the esteemed 21 Convention superconference event which I spoke at (and about) last year in 2009. In case you missed the free, 2 hour lecture from my 2009 speech, check it out.

Of particular note is that today is the last day you can get discounted tickets to the event, so if you’ve been procrastinating on this, now yesterday would be a great time to be proactive.

In fact, I highly recommend the live event in Orlando as not only do you get 4 days of awesome lectures from key players in this field, but El Topo and I (along with some of the other instructors) always do additional free training events afterward. Some guys even take students out into the field for free! That’s worth the cost of admission by itself.

At the end of the day, though, if taking care of this part of your life isn’t worth the couple of hundred bucks that you might otherwise spend on eating out and Starbucks, then you simply don’t want it bad enough. The desire must be there or no amount of training will help. If you truly want to get better, then take these opportunities. You’re selling yourself short if you hesitate and let them pass you by.

For those of you who ARE committed to this, sign up now and I’ll throw in a free 30-minute 1-on-1 phone coaching session! That’s worth almost $100 just by itself. Email me if you have questions or if you’ve signed up and are ready to schedule your coaching call.

I also want to say thanks to all the guys who have enrolled in my 1-day immersion course last weekend and this coming weekend. I honestly did not expect to get that kind of response, but that’s good because it means you guys are dedicated and it means that I’ll definitely be doing these types of events in the future. Stay tuned for more info on future boot camps and training events. I’m currently planning New York, San Francisco, and Austin, TX. I may also be heading to Toronto again this summer along with another 30-day Americas Tour in the fall.

It’s gonna be a busy year, gents. Time to stop thinking about things and start DOING.

There’s been a crapload of things going on here lately that I need to post about but I wanted to throw this out there real quick before I forget.

I’m basically offering two big sales right now that are good until Valentine’s day. Like BIG sales. 50%-off-big. And in typical procrastinator fashion, I was really going to wait until tomorrow to post this, but considering one of them kind of takes place this Saturday, I figured I should probably get a move on.

So here’s the deal.

1. Long Term Training:

The program responsible for my trip to Germany for a student’s wedding is currently on sale until Valentine’s Day. This program is the first and only one of its kind, leveraging extensive 1-on-1 coaching, teleconference lectures,  customized routine stacks, and video coaching several times a month in order to guide you towards achieving your dreams in a fraction of the time it would take you otherwise. Sign up today and save up to $350 off the regular price!

2. 12+ Hour, 1-Day Immersion Course This Weekend in LA SOLD OUT

I’m gonna try out something new with training. My business/marketing advisers say it’s a bad idea but I’m a big fan of testing assumptions so we’ll see.

Basically, it boils down to this: $3000 entire-weekend boot camps are great for a lot of guys — they offer tons of intensive training, an immersion experience, and lots of content. I know, I’ve attended a lot of them as a student and I’ve taught countless programs as an instructor. The only problem with this is… not everyone’s got 3 grand to spend on a boot camp.

So I’m gonna try something different. And by “different” I mean “more affordable.” In a nutshell, it’s seminar, exercises, infield, and debrief –12+ hours of instruction in all… for less than the price of going out to eat for a month. Most entire weekend boot camps don’t contain the amount of training you’re going to get in ONE day. And for half the price or less than what most everyone else is charging. Feel free to look around — I guarantee this is the lowest you’ll EVER find this quality of training. I encourage you to price out my competitors and to search for my boot camp reviews on the forums if you’d like. To my knowledge, I don’t have a single bad review for any of my boot camps, even when I taught for the old company.

So of course there’s a catch. The catch is that because I refuse to sacrifice quality, I have really limited availability (2, MAYBE 3 spots), and I won’t be doing this often because i’m barely breaking even. The other catch is that it’s this Saturday. As in, 2 days from now. If it works well I may hold another one of these next week, but that’s tentative at best.

The REASON I’m doing this is because not everyone can afford thousands of dollars for a boot camp. And training is much more effective when taken NOW rather than later. So to solve that problem, I’m going to try this out. Great quality training at affordable rates. What a concept, huh? It’s basically pro-bono work, but hey, if it’s successful, maybe I’ll do it again sometime in the future. If not, oh well, I tried.

As with all my products and services, if you’re not 100% happy, let me know and I’ll give you a FULL refund. And I won’t pull that bullshit where I try to outframe you into not complaining, either. My results and my students speak for themselves.

Here are the details at a glance:

What: “Fundamentals” Intro Program — 12+ hrs of drills, seminar, & infield coaching
Where: Los Angeles
When: THIS Saturday, Feb 6 OR NEXT Sat, Feb 13. 3PM – 3AM SOLD OUT
Who: DJ Fuji
Spots Open: 2, maybe 3 if there’s a cancellation
Ratio: 3:1 – Lowest in the industry
Cost: $599
Guarantee: 100% satisfaction or full refund

Any questions, feel free to send me an email.

Photo by EuphoriaLuv

So I’m addicted to the new TV show Flash Forward, about something that causes the entire world to black out for 2 minutes while seeing a vision of their lives 6 months in the future. It’s a really, really good show so far – if you haven’t seen it yet, I’d highly recommend it. Just remember that it’s like lays potato chips – you can’t have just one. You’ve been warned.

One of the things in particular that struck me about the show was the really progressive interracial and gay relationships between various characters. There’s both a blasian (Black + Asian) and lesbian+interracial relationship, both of which are pretty rare, especially in Hollywood. Some are even saying that it’s the first-ever on-screen romance between an Asian man and Black woman. Kudos to ABC for having the balls to break stereotypes like that.

More specifically, Korean-American actor John Cho (of Harold and Kumar fame) plays an FBI agent who is engaged to hottie Gabrielle Union (Bad Boys II). The whole black-girl-with-asian-guy thing has become WAY more common over the last few years (I have my theories on that), although it’s still a pretty rare thing to see overall. I’ve dated several black girls (okay, mostly half black), and you do see a lot of double takes when you’re out in public.

This brings me to an important point – Asian (including Indian) men generally have a harder time dating (especially interracially) than any other ethnic group. That’s why the ‘blasian’ relationship from the show was such a big deal. Hell, it’s getting to the point where Asian guys are even having trouble dating Asian women [PDF].

But why? Asian women certainly don’t seem to have a problem with dating, interracially or otherwise. What’s causing this discrepancy and how do we fix it?

Let me start off by saying I don’t normally focus much on interracial dating and the whole ‘Asian’ thing because I don’t see it as being that big of a deal. It’s no different than any other disqualifier.

Yeah, I said it. It’s a disqualifier. All you militant-asian-pride-malcolm-x-types, that’s your cue to start flaming and ranting.

Being Asian in America (and much of western society) is a disqualifier. Same with being short. Or having a round face. Or being introverted. Come to think of it, if I really wanted to feel sorry for myself, it’d certainly be understandable… considering that I am all of these things.

Yup, Asian, short, round-faced, and introverted. What a combination, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with being asian. I’m very proud of my ethnic and cultural background. But I also don’t bury my head in the sand and delude myself when there are dozens of studies done that show that in the western dating scene (and much of the non-asian world in general), being Asian is not an advantage. Blame it on the media, or on cultural programming, or evolutionary psychology, or any number of factors, but the facts are the facts. Don’t believe me? Let’s do a quick google search to see what we can find…

“Caucasian females are least likely to date Asian men…”

–blackstate.com, 2008 U.S. Census Results

“…in 75 percent of Asian-white marriages, the husband is white.”

–interracialdatingcentral.com

“Asian American men are the least preferred mate for Caucasian women.”

–University of California, Irvine Case Study

“But statistically the one man in America no one wants a triple X throwdown with is sideshow William Hung, actor John Cho and a multitude of their Asian American male counterparts.”

–cintrawilson.com

“The researchers, after controlling for all other attributes (height, weight, attractiveness, etc.), calculated how much extra income (relative to the income of the average online male dater, $62,500) a man would need to overcome the racial barrier. …For equal success with a white woman, an African-American needs to earn an additional $154,000; a Hispanic man needs $77,000; an Asian needs $247,000.”

–Tierney, J., http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/04/13/single-female-seeking-same-race-male/)

“…our main finding is that Asians generally receive lower ratings than men of other races. In fact, when we run the regressions separately for each race, we find that even Asian women find white, black, and Hispanic men to be more attractive than Asian men. Given that Asian men were the group that other races expressed strongest preference against, and that Asian women expressed the least preference against other races, the results in Table 6 suggest that attractiveness may play an important role in the determination of racial preferences, especially those against Asian men.”

(Fisman, R., Iyengar, S., et al., Columbia University, “Racial Preferences in Dating”, 2007)

If you’re an asian guy reading this, you probably didn’t need those studies to confirm what we’ve all thought pretty much our entire lives:

Dating is f*cking hard for Asian guys.

It’s true. But here’s the thing– crying about it helps NO ONE. That’s why I don’t spend a whole lot of time thinking or talking about this issue. Do I have to approach things differently being Asian? Sure, but it’s really minor. 95% of “game” is the same no matter how old, tall, or what color you are.

Dating is really no different than any other skill. And it’s simply that. A skill.

Look at it this way: Many of us either came to America or had parents or grandparents that did. That means a whole lot of Asians are bilingual or don’t speak English as their mother tongue. Now go to any high school in America and look at the racial demographics of the Advanced Placement/Honors English course. Notice anything? Perhaps the disproportionately high percentage of Asian kids in that class, many of whom learned English as a second or third language?

Now imagine if those kids would be sitting in that class if their parents had let them give up on ever getting A’s in English because they didn’t grow up speaking it. Unlikely.

What I’m getting at is that the hardships you were born with or had growing up mean relatively little in terms of achieving success. Otherwise Asians wouldn’t be good at academics in a foreign country where they didn’t grow up speaking the language. That’s a BIG barrier to success but it’s hardly even noticeable among academic success with Asians and Asian Americans. Our culture hasn’t let that hold us back. If anything, the culture has stressed that you should do whatever it takes to overcome those obstacles. Now take this same attitude and apply it to dating (or any other skill), and what you’ll find is that a simple shift in emphasis and mindset makes a world of difference.

If you want to be successful at this or anything else in life, the key is to acknowledge your situation, then to systematically enhance and highlight your strengths while minimizing your weaknesses.

For most Asian guys who are interested in bettering their dating lives (whether interracially or not), you’ll likely have some similar sticking points due to cultural upbringing. Here are the common ones:

• Dominance. Going after what you want in life and expecting to get it. Asking for what you want.
• Leading & Taking Risks. Directly related to dominance.
• Playful. Teasing, fun, and having a good sense of humor.
• Kinesthetic: Being comfortable with physical contact and touching
• Emotionally Expressive. Being expressive facially and with body language and tonality
• Sexuality. Being comfortable expressing your sexuality

If there’s enough interest, I’ll address each of these points in-depth in a future article. Leave me a comment if you’re interested.

So let’s talk action. Take out a sheet of paper right now. Make two vertical columns, and label the left side “strengths” and the right side “weaknesses.” Now write down 10 of each.

Now turn the sheet over and for each strength, write 3 ways you can enhance or take advantage of them. For weaknesses, write 3 ACTIONABLE TASKS you can do to correct the weakness or minimize its effect.

When you’re done, you’ll have a list of 30 actionable things to do. This is your action to-do list. Every week, work on one or two of these items. Stay consistent with it. Hold yourself accountable.

At the end of every month, write down your progress with your task list.

12 months from now, look back on your original list and do the entire drill all over again. I’d be willing to bet that if you stayed with it, looking back on those 12 months will be an eye-opener. Without even realizing it, you’ll have achieved a lot more success than you ever thought possible.

Mike said:

I just saw this talk and Ratisse’ talk and I have a question about ejecting from conversations, because I see a method conflict.

Fuji makes the point that you should maximize your interactions by staying in them until you are asked to leave but not just when your audience shows disinterest.

On the other hand Ratisse describes a strategy for working bars/clubs/parties where you have short conversations with a good chunk of the people you are not ‘targeting’ . Then while the groups are comfortable, you try and pull away your target. AFC Adam describes something similar, except Ratisse even tries to treat individuals as groups as well. That’s a subtlety.

So is premature ejecltion so bad? You leave so you go on talking to other people. I was at a club last night practicing these quick conversations, but it was before seeing either of the talks and I ended up feeling I didn’t build enough rapport/comfort with them. The groups were too cohesive for me to just break people out of them. I admit I didn’t try to pull them away; instead I just found opportunities where there were 3-sets so I could just get the 3rd person into a conversation alone.

I feel there is a wide rift between these two strategies. I see the pros/cons in each ( differences in rapport and differences in whether you look too needy ) , but could someone shed some light on unifying them with a common principle ?

Hey Mike,

This is a great question. You’re definitely paying attention. Here’s how to reconcile these two seemingly-different strategies.

Ratisse is describing a variation on short-set theory. That is, a specific tactic used to create social proof and oftentimes jealousy plotlines. I use something like this fairly often.

What I was advocating in my speech is focusing on the skill set and pushing every set as far as it will go. The two are not mutually exclusive. They just focus on different goals and different skill sets.

At the risk of oversimplifying things, Here’s a quick flow chart to see which one you should GENERALLY use. For each question, if the answer is yes, go to the next step. If the answer is no, default to staying in set the way I described in my speech.

1. Do you open at least 5 sets per night?

2. Are you in set at least 75% of your night? In other words, if you’re in field for 3 hours, you should be “in set” talking for at least 2:15 of the 3:00 hours.

3. Can you start conversation that lasts at least 5 minutes with at least 50% of your sets?

4. Do you stay in set even when they shows you disinterest?

5. Do you have over a handful of lays (5+) within the last year from cold approach?

6. If you’ve answered yes to all 5 previous questions, try out short set theory and Ratisse’s strategies. Just don’t eject from sets because you’re afraid of rejection. Make ejecting a STRATEGY and not a REACTION. The best time to eject from a set (aside from after orgasm) is, ironically, when things are going really, really well.

If you guys haven’t seen the footage, it’s a nearly 2 hour lecture on “Getting Good at Game,” streamed FREE, courtesy of Dream. Take a look. Comments and questions always welcome.

I’m sitting on a bumpy train watching the sun disappear into the horizon, having just finished training with a client. Working with him made me realize that success truly is “reserved for those willing to pay its price.” (So says Sun Tzu). I get a lot of clients who are trying to stack a few routines on top of a bland, humorless personality, a generic lifestyle, and little to no experience or confidence with the opposite sex. Worse yet, they are trying to do this on a part time basis, sometimes opening only a few sets per week. This is not the formula for achieving success in your social and romantic life. In fact, it’s not the formula for achieving success in ANY part of your life.

It’s interesting that most of us get into this with dreams of grandeur and delusions of infallible gurus who never get blown out. I know I did. I didn’t join the community to improve my conversational skills, or to realize self actualization, or even to become a more attractive man. I joined for a much simpler reason:

To Not Be Lonely.

Being lonely sucks because most of the time it’s a pain that you keep a secret. It’s embarrassing and you can’t talk about it. I couldn’t tell my family and friends that I was lonely. Well, I suppose I could, but it would have humiliated me. I couldn’t even really tell MYSELF that I was lonely because I didn’t want to face the facts that I was. So I ignored the problem, hoping it’d go away. But every Friday or Saturday night, when all my friends were out on dates or hanging out with girlfriends or wives, I was home trying to distract myself from this miserable reality I lived in. Trying to convince myself that I didn’t need women in my life, that I was just going to “focus on my career.”

Right.

So despite the fact that my life is very, very different today, I haven’t forgotten what that felt like. That’s what kept me going when I encountered resistance, plateaus, or roadblocks along the way in my journey. Every time I felt that gripping fear which feels like a vice has been placed on your chest, I thought back to what loneliness felt like. And I never wanted to feel that feeling again.

Somewhere along the way, nearly everyone who’s gotten good at this realizes that even though we may have begun this journey in order to not be lonely, or to get more girls, or to lose our virginity, or whatever the specific reason, what actually brings us success is becoming attractive through self improvement.

In order to GET attraction from women, you must BE attractive. Ahh, the illusive obvious.

But what does that really mean? What does ‘be attractive’ mean?

It means that you must possess the qualities, traits, beliefs, and characteristics that people (and especially women) find attractive. It does NOT mean learning to “trick” women into thinking you are attractive when it’s really all an illusion. Even if you manage to make that work, you won’t keep women around once they realize who you really are.

Thus, we want to become more attractive through self improvement. Self improvement is more than just watching Tony Robbins and reading The Power of Now. It’s improving all aspects of yourself. It’s being well rounded. It’s being attractive. At first we do this to attract women. But midway through the process, we start to realize that we are actually doing this for OURSELVES. We are becoming better men, and attraction from women is merely a bonus to that.

An esteemed colleague and former mentor of mine once taught me that being well rounded in terms of attraction comes down to three core elements: Tactical Game, Inner Game, and Lifestyle.

Tactical game is knowing what to do, what to say, and how, when, and where to say or do it.

Inner game is your internal beliefs, your inner dialogue, your confidence, your sense of self esteem.

Lifestyle is how you live your life, what you do with your time, the company that you keep, the dreams and goals you have, and the interests and hobbies you pursue.

Together, these elements make up the attraction trifecta. Put together correctly, it also makes you well-rounded.

Being well rounded is important because it inherently limits your weaknesses and synergistically enhances your strengths. Just like in MMA, the “one trick pony” individual will always lose to the well-rounded fighter.

But what does that mean??

It means that an extremely important and overlooked part of this journey is continually working on YOURSELF. Constantly pushing your comfort zones. Always looking for new challenges. Setting new goals all the time.

It means that you do more than go to nightclubs every weekend and read pick up forums at work. As Mystery always says, “this is about building a life.” It is about surrounding yourself with good, positive people who are also working on themselves. It is about trying new things and expanding your horizons. It is about facing your fears and learning new skils. It is about making connections with people and forming both sexual and non-sexual relationships. And it is about becoming a better person.

Carpe Diem (Seize the day).