The Tao of DJ Fuji

For this week’s tip I decided to give away some of my favorite routines, sound bites, and humor techniques. “Sound bites” is a term that I stole from my old wing Philos (who was featured on the infield insider and who is still to this day one of my most skilled wings) who confessed one day that much of his amazingly effective humor came from the thousand of so soundbites that he had memorized over the years. I didn’t understand this at the time (Philos, if you’re reading this, this was in 2006 when we were at the kaleidoscope mall together), but I later started to acquire my own “sound bank” of witty quips, comebacks, and funny one-liners and it all made sense.

In a ‘pickup’ type interaction, most humor comes from combining general technique (e.g., sarcasm, exaggeration, etc.) with sound bites (“that’s what she said”). It’s not that different from stand up comedy, where a comic combines a routine stack of stand up techniques (e.g., setup-punch) with improvised sound bites (especially in response to hecklers in the audience).

Keep in mind that MANY of these sound bites are not original. I’ve stolen borrowed from naturals, stand up comedians, pickup gurus, and even students. When possible, I will make every attempt to credit the author though at times I don’t remember the source. This list is also obviously not comprehensive — it is simply a small sample of some of my favorite sound bites and humor based routines from the top of my head.

As with any type of routine, these lines are NOT magic. They will not work if you don’t deliver them correctly. In fact, I’d say about 80% of their effectiveness is delivery based.

Enjoy.

Flex-Teasing (Credit: JamesSF… I think)

Me: “You’re buff. That’s hot. Let me feel your guns. Flex for me.”

Girl: *Flexes*

Me: *feel her arm* “No, really, flex for me.”

Girl: *Flexes again*

Me: *still feeling her arm* “No, for real”

Girl: “Shut up!” *Punches you*

Fungus IOI (Credit: ex-gf)

“You know… you’re growing on me… like a fungus kinda…”

Talkin’ Shit (Credit: Stand Up Comic from La Jolla Comedy Store)

“Girl, you wanna step to this, you betta bring a ladder”

My Version of Good Girl/Bad Girl (Original Version Credit: Tyler Durden(i think?) Humor follow up sound bite courtesy of the always funny Robbie Kramer)

“ohhh… so you’re the good one and you’re the bad one. I knew it. It’s sooo obvious. I think I need a note from my mom before I talk to you.”

Classic Little Sisters Banter (Credit: No idea, been around forever)

“You guys are ADORABLE. You’re like my little sisters.”

Propeller Dork (Credit: No idea. Oldie but goodie)

“You are SUCH a dork. I’m going to buy you one of those hats with a propeller on top”

Elf Shoes (Credit: Can’t remember. Might be original)

“I fucking LOVE your shoes. But uh… how do you feel about the elf that you clearly stole them from?”

Fat Kid Cocky Funny (Credit: David DeAngelo (I think?))

Me: “Stop looking at me like that.”

Girl: “Like what?”

Me: “You’re looking at me like a fat kid looks at a cheeseburger. That’s not cool. I’m not a piece of meat. I have feelings too, you know.”

More Cocky Funny (Credit: Various — David D, Zan, et al.)

• “LADY, MY EYES ARE UP HERE”
• “Stop trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me”
• “I’m SO out of your league.”
• “Oh I’m way too high maintenance for you.”
• (when she offers you a sip of her drink) “no thanks, i’m not that fond of the roofie-colada” (Credit: Kamouflage)
• “Stop trying to start fights just so you can get make up sex.”

Teasing/Treating Her Like a Kid (Credit: Various. Some original.)

• Aww you’re so CUUUUTE when you’re angry! *pinch her cheeks like a grandma*
• “I’m rubber, you’re glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks back on you.”
• *Pat her on the head like a dog* “You’re cute.” Optionally: “Good girl.” Followed up with: “Sit.”
• “Isn’t it past your bedtime?”

Imaginary Friends (DJ Fuji Original Routine)

Me: “Who are you here with?”

Her: “Oh um my friends. They’re in the bathroom”

Me: *Give her weird look*

Me: *Give her look like “Oh I understand”*

Me: “Ohhh… you don’t really HAVE any friends… that’s okay honey… we all have imaginary friends sometimes. (*pat her patronizingly*) I like your imaginary friends. Ashley is so sweet. But Brooke is a bitch. She totally stole Mary’s boyfriend and that’s just NOT cool at all.”

Yawning (Unknown)

Yawn loudly and then make your yawns progressively longer and louder until you get that “how rude!” look or a hit on the arm. Then say, “No, no please continue… I ALWAYS yawn when I’m interested”.

Tinkle (DJ Fuji)

“I love how girls have to let you know they’re not going poo. They’re always like ‘i have to tinkle.’ So if you ever just say you’re going to the restroom, I’ll know not to use it after you.”

Misc

• “You are so adorkable”
• (If she interrupts you) “I’m sorry for talking while you were interrupting”

Farted Opener (not tactically sound but OH so funny)

“Excuse me, do you ladies care if i hang out with you until its safe back over there where i farted?”

Good Kisser (Credit: Kamouflage)

*point to your cheek, insinuating you want a kiss*

She kisses your cheek.

“omg you’re SUCH a good kisser.”

Starfish

• Knock Knock
• Who’s there?
• Interrupting starfish
• Interrupt..(grab their face with your hand)

Various Soundbites Shamelessly Stolen from Philos

• (When she does something stupid or embarrassing) You know, you’re lucky you’re so adorable.
• I think I’m falling in like with you.
• I don’t just like you, I like-like you….that’s almost as much as two likes.
• [you trip in fall in front of a set] Still single, ladies.
• She goes to shake your hand: Let’s bring it in for the big thing. [hug]
• [she acts slightly offended to what you just said] Okay, you can’t get all…ewwww…and fucking LILITH FAIR on me like this.
• Call me if you need a hug.
• Don’t stand so. Don’t stand so. Don’t stand so close to me.
• If you were a man, I’d punch you right in the neck.
• Her: Have you ever been in love? Me: Other than with myself?
• Something smells great in here…Oh it’s me.
• When you open and a girl gives you negative body language (to her friends):
  “Can you tell her to be nicer to me. She looks like she’s trying to scare away little children with that scowl and it’s hurting my feelings.”
• You’re really adorable when you sleep. Up until you fart. Then it’s not so adorable.