RSS 2.0Man Guns Down People in LA Fitness… and Why We’re Not That Different
Posted in Life Coaching, News, Self Improvement on 08/06/2009 07:57 am by DJ Fuji
Earlier today my friend Dan sent me a link / also here to a really sad story about George Sodini, a 48-year-old-man who took his own life after killing several people and injuring many more at an LA Fitness Gym in Pittsburgh.
“Sure that’s sad and all,” you might say, “but what does that have to do with me?”
The thing is, Sodini had more in common with a lot of us than we’d like to believe. Most psychologists are saying he wasn’t a deranged serial killer who lacked any moral compass. Nor was he a psychotic lunatic that spent his days sniffing glue and eating paint.
No, George Sodini was simply an AFC. An Average, Frustrated, Chump. A very lonely, depressed, AFC. Note: For those of you who aren’t regular readers here, “AFC” is simply the term we use in the dating coaching community to describe a frustrated individual who is tired of being single. It is not meant to be disparaging.
Maybe Sodini was older and more lonely and more psychotic than most of us, but I suspect not. I suspect that he simply lacked one thing. The one thing that this community gave me when I found it.
Hope.
Hope, and the idea that society was wholly incorrect and that I did not in fact have to just accept that I would always remain at the bottom of the social pecking order.
I’m no psychologist, but I’ll bet that Sodini was less of a psycho and more a man who had simply given up because it seemed hopeless. Most of us can certainly relate to that feeling. He recounts his feelings and plans on his blog (I have a cached copy if that link to abcnews gets taken down), and I can’t help but think that all of this sounds very familiar. A computer programmer who doesn’t believe in himself and lacks the social skills to meet and attract women. That hits a bit too close to home. It’s disturbing because I’d like to believe that someone who could cause this much destruction is a monster who has nothing in common with me.
December 24, 2008:
“Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.”
That doesn’t sound like the rantings of a psychotic lunatic hell-bent on revenge. Rather, it sounds more like the field reports and journals that get posted to our forums every day.
I remember feeling those pangs of unrequited love and crying my eyes out at the thought that there was nothing I could do about it. I remember being lonely. I remembering being depressed. I remember it like it was yesterday.
And perhaps if any one of us had not found the support of the community to help us through this part of our lives, maybe we would have turned out just like Sodini.
Don’t get me wrong. What he did was a horrific, awful act that all of us — me especially — wish we could have prevented. But the thing is, I think this was preventable, and not by shooting him before he shot those people, either. I think this was avoidable because I’ve had guys just like Sodini in my workshops and seminars. Because I’ve had guys who have told me through tears that they were on the verge of suicide — actually standing on a bridge about to jump off — and that were it not for the community, they would have done it.
And we’ve all been at Lair Meetings where there are 100 guys that are all feeling these same things. Hell, I might have been another Sodini had I not found the community. So instead of judging this man and disassociating ourselves from his plight, let us instead seek to understand and make sure that this never happens again.
“Result is I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discouragement. Seems odd, but that’s true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. Too embarrassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.” –George Sodini
As individuals, we see guys like Sodini all the time. He could be your friend. Your brother. Your co-worker. Your son. Your “wingman.” But oftentimes we see the warning signs and we ignore them. Or we dismiss it as “angst,” or “he just needs to relax and be himself.” Even those of us who are actively seeking to improve our dating and relationship lives sometimes see the Sodini’s of the world and think, “not my problem.” I’ve been plenty guilty of that myself, and I’m a coach. But as the famous saying goes (arguably credited to English philosopher Edmund Burke), “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
So the next time you come across someone like Sodini, resist the temptation to look down upon him. And if you’re realizing this feeling of despair and hopelessness describes you, do not be afraid to seek help. Society will have you believe that this makes you a kook, a nutjob, and potentially a criminal. But I can tell you for a fact that all of us have felt that at some time or another. There is no shame in asking for help or in being proactive about improving your dating or relationship life. On the contrary, bottling all of that up only causes it to fester into hate or rage, and we’ve just seen the long term effects of that.
This is why I take my job very seriously. Some people may mock that belief, saying that it’s not that serious– that we’re just teaching guys how to get laid. But I vehemently disagree. I believe that as coaches, gurus, and instructors, we are not merely dating coaches. We are LIFE coaches. We are people who not only need to be able to holistically change and improve a person’s life, but we also need to lead by example.
And so in addition to this being a call to action for individuals and for society as a whole, it is also a call to action for fellow coaches and instructors. It is a call to action to genuinely CARE about your students and to really understand just how much we can change and influence someone’s life. In my opinion, that is not a task to be taken lightly.
Finally, for those of you who are struggling with this self-improvement process and possibly becoming discouraged, keep your head up and don’t ever give up. Because the rewards are worth it. They’re worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears you put into this. Just remember that ultimately, it’s up to you. You and you alone are responsible for your life and your destiny. Dream big and go after it. Don’t wait around for luck or chance or for the shining white knight. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Shallow men believe in luck; wise and strong men believe in cause and effect!”
08/06/2009 at 15:18
Took the words right out of my mouth, man. Seems like this news is spreading quickly throughout the seduction community, which is no surprise to me. All of us “unnaturals” were at least somewhat like Sodini once.
-Chief
08/06/2009 at 18:43
I found his journal very poignant too. While the newspapers like to feature his one sentence about guns, the majority of the writings are the very common sadness and frustration someone can have when something “should” have happened by now but just didn’t. I remember feeling the hopelessness he did when I was 18 and very lonely.
This was just when I was fresh out of high school and saw other college friends hooking up and I felt left out. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be close to 50, where most of your same-age coworkers have kids already riding bikes while you don’t even have a girl interested in you, let alone a girlfriend or wife needed to have your own children.
“If it hasn’t happened yet, it never will.” No sentence is more discouraging in our language. I heard it from my Dad about my rock singing dreams when I was 20. Luckily, it was such a small part of my life that I wasn’t upset, neither did I listen.
To have that belief about your relationship life as a whole is completely devastating, so I can totally understand his suicidal intentions.
However, the one mystery that remains is why he turned that despair on innocent women he didn’t even know. He mentioned he was sure he was going to heaven because Jesus saved everyone. Odd how a more loving interpretation of Christianity made him comfortable to shoot people. He didn’t seem like a murderer, and didn’t even seem to blame the women for not liking him. He mentioned women thought he was a “catch” yet always for other people than themselves. I’m thinking there’s more going on than we know about.
–Dan
08/07/2009 at 09:33
Really well written article. It’s a shame.
08/07/2009 at 15:23
Excellent post man. Was going to make a similar article myself since I didn’t see anyone else talking about it- kudos for getting it out there, you’re dead on.
-Dream
08/07/2009 at 21:13
From what I’ve seen this man was after younger women, not just a relationship with a woman. He was not just lonely but after a specific kind of ‘relationship’ he felt he was entitled to. Whatever was encouraging him in the type of ‘relationship’ he was pursuing was sick. These seminars and the whole ‘seduction community’ movement I’d never heard of until now, after searching for info about it I’m much more informed. I think it’s sick and unhealthy, Sodini was not just lonely but had objectified women and these seduction seminars he attended just provided fuel to his whole entitlement.
08/07/2009 at 22:06
Anne,
Thanks for your comment. An outside perspective is always welcome.
First off, what is wrong with an older man dating a younger woman? Unless he wanted underage women, I see nothing wrong with that. I certainly don’t see it as “sick” any more than a woman wanting to date younger or older men. Different stokes for different folks and all that.
Second, please do not group R. Don Steele into the seduction community. I’d never even heard of him until this story broke.
Last, unless you’ve been to a few seminars, you are going off of 2nd and 3rd hand hearsay. The seduction community is largely about self improvement. Even if you had personal experience with someone involved in this, judging the group would be akin to saying that all salesmen are evil, manipulative con-artists because I read a few stories on ripoffreport.com and someone got ripped off by a used car salesman.
08/08/2009 at 12:46
I don’t feel saddened by this at all, because I know things like this were/are waiting to happen everywhere.
It feels like this incident is a cry out to the world, that this is what will happen if you let my people suffer like this; we must teach all men how to be men and attract women, we must befriend each other like brothers and sisters, cease all discord and apathy.
08/10/2009 at 00:51
You know, I really frown on this guy for doing that… it’s such a selfish thing to do.
However, I DID understand his feelings. I understood why he would feel like hating women, given his circumstances. Kind of strange…
08/10/2009 at 06:45
he’s quite a handsome dude for sum1 close 2 50. shame
08/10/2009 at 08:38
Great post– I felt the same way the first time I came across the article. Pickup probably would have saved this guy’s life. Not just getting laid (although that would probably have helped), but just the network of support and the kind of holistic lifestyle improvement that guys like you teach. If only someone had reached out to him sooner…
Go out there and save some lives, Fuji
08/10/2009 at 08:47
Well, this proves that looks arn’t everything
08/10/2009 at 14:24
The community gives hope, but coaching gives a game plan. I’ve seen angry guys convinced that they would die alone or a virgin turn into caring, compassionate, and loving individuals. Thanks for bringing positivity to this story Fuji.
09/02/2009 at 21:38
Apologize for my bad english, I deem its a precarious vent one’s spleen of your writing. Sumptuously I organize faced alot of difficulties in this condition but your article discretion definately escape me in future. Say thank you You
09/07/2009 at 12:54
I could have wrote those words too, to many holidays alone, seeing a beautifull woman and feeling hate, its embarrasing to admit it to yourself, your friends and family, I feel sorry for the poeple he killed, sorry for the families he destroyed,I am sorry for him and sometimes Im sorry for myself. The community indeed has given me hope, I talked to you in San Diego Djfuji, you are a great guy and I remember telling you that the work you do is to give hope and save men out of their desperate lives, may God bless you and keep the good work going. Trini.
06/28/2010 at 04:53
I read exhaustively about George, since we both attended the same high school; however, I did not know him. Anne, George was attracted to women his age (40ish), not just young girls barely legal to date. He was extremely attracted to a woman his own age (her picture was posted until it was subsequently removed — she was no bombshell by any means). He knew this woman from church. She spurned him, he was persistent — to no avail. It is for him like it is for all of us — we have to be attracted to someone — we just can’t pick anyone off of a shelf and be happy or satisfied, and judging from what I read, he wasn’t being unreasonable (until he started mentioning the older teenagers at the library where he volunteered). I believe at this point, mental illness was taking hold.
Dr. Henry Makow (guys, you need to look him up — he makes sense to me, and I’m a woman) refers to George as being “starved for love”. (Use Harry Makow starved for love in your search string). I think from his earliest days on this planet, this description fit George, sadly. Look, Charles Manson’s mother tried to barter him off for a pitcher of beer when he was an infant. Does anyone reading this post honestly believe, considering that, Manson had a bright future? People don’t get up one day and go to the local exercise club and open fire.
I am so glad I am not dating today. What a screwed up world we live in! Take a look at what’s on T.V. — Bridezillas, Life with the Kardashians, Pregnant at 16, etc… In many episodes of Bridezillas, women actually strike their husbands-to-be — I’ve seen one beat her boyfriend with her phone while he’s driving! If the roles were reversed, the show would be off the air! But this is actually “entertainment” today. Sorry, fellas. Really — I’m sorry.
I do not believe George was an evil man. He was a good man who did an unspeakably evil thing. I hope God forgives him, because to say he lived Hell on earth is an understatement. It goes without saying that the women killed were innocent victims, and I hope they are in the light of God, as well. It goes without saying . . .
IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE!